Summer vacation at home with two young children is an odd time. I know many women would tell me to appreciate this time with my girls, they’ll only be this young once, it won’t last, someday you’ll yearn for days like this. You know, You’re Gonna Miss This. And I agree, I understand on some level, and I do my very best to treasure this time. But on the other hand, there are a bunch of young moms out there who I’m sure would agree with me when I say it’s downright exhausting. The days are long, and despite how much we try to spend time at my parents’ pool, I can’t help but feel like I’m a prisoner in my own home. While it seems like I’m watching other families galavant around on fabulous adventures and day trips, we are having a bit of a different experience on our end…
These days, Clara receives services on each of the five weekdays. On Mondays, she goes to a social skills group for two-and-a-half hours. On Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, she receives two hours of ABA therapy each morning. She meets with her developmental specialist for an hour each Wednesday and her Speech-Language pathologist for an hour each Friday. All of which, I must say, is allowing her to make some phenomenal progress. She is finally scoring in the average to above-average range for communication, the area where she originally experienced delays, qualifying her for Early Intervention in the first place. And as if that weekly schedule weren’t enough, potty training. So much potty. So much training. And I’m happy to report: soooo much success. But even successful potty training means accidents, it means following your toddler around like the pied piper waiting for “the signals” and it means spending a whole lotta time at home without pants on. (Disclaimer: she’s the one not wearing pants. I, on the other hand, generally tend to wear pants at all times.)
In the magnificent forty minutes while both girls were sleeping this afternoon, I reflected on motherhood and specifically, how easy it can be to lose yourself in it. There’s not a lot of time for me these days, and more often than not, I’m okay with that. These two little girls are my world, and they both happen to be very dependent on me right now, something I know will come and go with the tides. Right now, I’m Eloise’s only source of food and I’m basically Clara’s only source of entertainment. Now that it’s summer, they both fully expect to spend the entire day with me each and every day. I thought about the things I used to do before kids: I used to travel more, and would be more likely to jet off for a long weekend with friends. I used to cook more for fun, experimenting in the kitchen with new techniques and flavor profiles. I used to read more… a LOT more. I admit I miss that the most, but it’s hard to get into a book when someone will inevitably need you within the next fifteen minutes. I used to work out more, and by that, I mean I used to work out. But I never really wrote. Now I find that writing is therapeutic for me, so much so that when I go a few days without it, I feel the longing urge start to build from within. This afternoon, as I watched Eloise snooze in her swing and Clara’s chest rise and fall on the monitor, I realized the importance of my writing. It isn’t just to share our family’s experience with others; it’s also my way of staying me. It’s my way of not losing myself in motherhood. Sure, I write about being a mom, and yes there’s more to me than that, but it’s the actual act of writing that helps me feel anchored. It’s my one small thing that is mine and no one else’s, and I’m so thankful to those who encouraged me to develop this platform as a place to share my thoughts. I made myself a promise today: to keep this project as a priority and to make it the best it can be. (Which is probably why I’m typing this into the notes section of my cell phone while the rest of my family is asleep for the night… Please refer back to the “there’s not a lot of time for me these days” section.)
Tonight, I’ll end with this:
To all the moms out there who feel like they’ve lost a part of themselves in motherhood, please know that it’s okay (and even encouraged) to protect and nurture what makes you you. Sure, your kids need you, but that requires there to be a you for them to need. Find the things that make you you and keep them in your heart. Go for the run. Make the paella. Have your partner watch the kids while you, dare I say it, buy yourself a new article of clothing? Maybe something that makes you actually feel confident?! Get a babysitter and have lunch with an old friend. Dust off that yoga mat. Write. Paint again. Plant your garden. Lie down, read, meditate, or just dream. The laundry can wait a day.
