I want to remember this moment forever. A sweet, perfectly imperfect moment between a boy and his mama, surrounded by the darkness of our bedroom late on a Wednesday night. The dim light emitted from a night light shining on your squishy little face (which actually isn’t really even that little when you think about it… At one and a half months old, you’re already filling out sleepers with a 6 on the tags!) Your head is propped up in my hands, your lips pressed against the burp cloth that never leaves my side due to your constant tendency to spit up. Your eyes fluttering with what I like to think are beautiful little dreams, but I know are more likely muscle movements over which you still have no control. Your arms are heavy because, despite the fact that you just gobbled down three more ounces, you never really woke up during your latest meal. The depth of your slumber definitely isn’t a surprise after all the crying you did tonight, surely it was enough to tire you out. The last few weeks have been easy in the world of newborns, so even the slightest hint of crankiness is a lot for our family, though deep down I know we’ve got it good. You’re growing, and you’ve proven this through your love of milk over the last two days. Though at times exhausting, I admit I’ve been drinking in every single bit of it. After your sister was born, I spent most of her newborn days thinking she was my last but hoping she wasn’t. As weeks grew into months with our little Eloise, I learned that my heart had so much love to give more than one child. Deep within me, I hoped there would be a third baby to love someday, just as much as I love my first two. And now, you’re here! A perfect, beautiful person who is undoubtedly my last baby. You, my sweet boy, are as bittersweet as they come. I look at you and sometimes can’t help but feel sad because I know how fast it will all go. You will never be as little as you are in this moment. There will come a day when you won’t depend on me for every tiny thing. You will grow into your own person who, like your sisters, can do things “all myself!” In fact, when I look at your sisters, the very thought of who they were as infants is such a distant memory, it’s hard to believe it was just a few short years ago.
Clara and Eloise aren’t babies anymore, they’re kids. Sometimes I look at them and think they’re even more than that; in the blink of an eye they’ll be adolescents and before I know it, adults. Clara, 5 going on 15, is as mature as she is fun-loving. She is an immense help with you in those stressful moments, feeding you a bottle while I finish getting dinner on the table. She loves as deeply as an adult does, and her curious mind can’t wait to take the next steps in whatever she’s learning about. She is my old soul, and the pride I feel for the little girl she has become is unmatched. These days, when I look back at the first photos of her, I see only one thing: you. You and your oldest sister could be twins when comparing those photos. And when I look at you, it brings me back to those early days of motherhood when I questioned everything and knew nothing. Now, years later, I still question so much and often feel like I know next-to-nothing, but if you turn out anything like your oldest sister, I know I’ve done something right.
Eloise, turning three in just a few short months, is torn between wanting to grow up and wanting to regain her place as the baby of this family. She’s our caterpillar just starting to construct its cocoon; we know that once her butterfly breaks free, we better watch out! Incredibly intelligent and intuitive, she is our wild child. She is the lead in the spotlight, the risk-taker, and the mischief-maker. And as much as she walks the line, she has perfected the ability to run safely back into the arms of her parents who can’t help but think, Thank God She’s Cute. She’s the best snuggler when she wants to be and the kindest soul there ever was, though it can easily be missed if you’re not paying attention; she puts on the tough act and boy, is she good at it! Before the age of three, she stands up for what she believes in, and she doesn’t take no for an answer! She’s everything I could’ve ever hoped for in a daughter, and not only do I hope she rubs off on you, but I also hope she never changes.
And now, we have you. You, with the deep, knowing eyes, are the calm in the storm that surrounds you. Though you’re only 51 days old, I feel like I’ve known you my entire life and I’ve just been waiting for you to get here. Sure, there are still some unknowns… Will those knowing eyes turn brown like Clara’s or stay blue like Eloise’s? Blue or brown, they will suit you perfectly. Will you follow the rules like Clara, bend them like Eloise, or completely redesign them in a way only you can do? I’m sure that you’ll be strong and kind. Your sisters will teach you to love books, animals, and probably princesses. They’ll teach you how to find the best hiding places and to never be afraid to speak your mind. Your dad will teach you to love and appreciate the outdoors, and how to use every tool under the sun. He’ll demonstrate how to balance a life of meaning and happiness, and you’ll watch him mold those two things together beautifully each day. He’ll teach you a lot more than that too, I can assure you of that. And me? I hope to teach you a lot in your lifetime, but I can promise you this: I will teach you to be good. To be fair and honest, to be curious rather than judgmental. I just ask of you one thing, the same thing that I ask of your sisters. Please, my baby boy, please don’t grow up too fast. You are the last baby I will ever have, and while I’d like to say that I can’t wait to see all the wonderful things you do in this life, the truth is, I actually can wait. Because for now, your toothless grins, comforted sighs and aimless flailing of your arms is all I could ever want. You’ve completed our family as much as you’ve completed me, and I hope you take your time in becoming the person you’re meant to be.
