One of the main reasons that I started this project was not only to help me cope with Clara’s Autism diagnosis but also to help others who may be going through similar struggles feel like they’re not alone. A community of like-minded parents is indispensable as a mom and I have found that it doesn’t really matter if this community is composed of close-knit friends or hilarious internet strangers. I’m in a somewhat unique position as the only mom in my close group of friends so I don’t have a ton of mom friends to turn to. I often find myself reaching out to wider circles when I’m going through something, which is how I stumbled upon my favorite podcast of all time: Nursing and Cursing. If you’ve never heard of them and you’re a young mom who has any kind of sense of humor, I strongly recommend that you check out the trailer that they just recorded- it gives a quick, three minute sense of what they’re all about and the topics that they tackle… Why do we compare ourselves to other moms so much? How did we (do we?) make it through the endless newborn nights? Motherhood lasts forever and what happens when we feel like we can’t do it anymore?
For me, these five women (whom I’ve obviously never met) help me feel like what I go through every day- the nails and the fails- is normal and it’s all just part of the mom gig. Not only are they completely hilarious, but they’re also real, down-to-earth, normal people who openly admit the raw truth of parenting: It’s an amazing experience but it’s the hardest thing we’ll ever do. And let me tell you, these past few weeks have been nothing but an amazing experience that has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done…
Clara cried, or rather screamed, for about two hours last night before we put her to bed without dinner. I couldn’t make her happy no matter what I did. She wanted me to lie in her bed when I needed to feed the baby- tantrum. She wanted to lock the dog in her bedroom and when I wouldn’t let her- tantrum. I gave her water- tantrum. I literally can’t remember half the things that set her off, probably because the blood-curdling screaming was distracting me. When Matthew got home, she wouldn’t even acknowledge him, she just screamed in his face. We tried time out. We tried reasoning with her. We tried ignoring the behaviors. We. Tried. Everything. Finally, we just decided that she needed to go to bed, and ultimately that worked. After she finally went down, I found myself lost in my own thoughts. How much of this is because she’s trying to adjust to her new sister? How much of this is because she’s just two-and-a-half and this is what toddlers do? How much of this is because of her Autism? And if it isn’t the Autism, how do I prevent this from becoming learned behaviors that she resorts to in the future? She was acting like she was overtired, but how was that possible when she had a three-hour nap?! Was what I did right or was I wrong? I found my heart breaking for my little girl who is clearly struggling with something. And I found my heart breaking for myself because it was just so hard. I found myself thanking sweet Eloise for being an easy baby while I was trying to manage her sister. And I found myself thanking my husband for unknowingly showing up with beautiful tulips and understanding that I just needed time to process and a long, hot shower.
I don’t know exactly what is causing this change in her behavior, but my mom intuition tells me it has a lot to do with the fact that she’s just your everyday crazy toddler adjusting to a new baby at home in the only way she knows how. So rather than dwelling in the negative, I offer all the moms out there a little comedic relief in the form of some of my favorite #momproblems instagram posts because we’re all fighting the good fight and we all need a good laugh once in a while. As the nursing and cursing girls say in their intro, put down that coffee and grab a wine. And finally, know that if you’re reading this and you’re going through anything that feels like what I’m going through, you’re more than welcome to bring that wine over. I’ll provide the couch, the company and the conversation.
