Dear Girls,
Tomorrow I will return to work after six short weeks of maternity leave at home with both of you. The time I have spent with you while welcoming Eloise into our family has been so precious and while I know our summer together isn’t far away, it’s still so difficult to leave you both. At the same time, I must admit I’m looking forward to having structure and routine restored for both of you as well as for myself! Maybe someday you will know the joys as well as the trials and tribulations of motherhood and you too may learn that maternity leave with two is quite different than maternity leave with one! Clara, my maternity leave with you seems so long ago. It was difficult because I was learning what it meant to be a mom but it was also peaceful and fulfilling. I was scared to take a shower because you may have started to fuss and I spent your nap time watching you to make sure you were breathing. We spent so much time just snuggling under warm blankets, watching the leaves fall as the weather outside grew colder and colder. We celebrated the holidays with no stress because I didn’t have to go to work the next day, until I did. I was devastated when I went back because I couldn’t fathom being away from you and every day was hard. I was teaching then, so I quickly lost my milk supply because I was so stressed trying to pump between classes, which added to my own feelings of mom guilt– not being able to give you breast milk exclusively for a year ruined me. Until, it didn’t. I realized that supplementing with formula was okay too, and that you were still growing into a happy and healthy young toddler! I learned a lot about being a mom in that first year– things don’t always go according to plan, but they end up working out in the end, even sometimes for the better! And then, before I knew it, I was a mom of two! The last six weeks were a little different than my first leave, a lot busier and a lot louder, sometimes harder, and sometimes easier. Harder because there were two of you to care for, two to entertain and two to nourish. Easier because it’s not my first rodeo anymore and lots of the unknowns are now knowns. Now, I’m back to work in a different role, one that allows more control over my new schedule, so pumping won’t be so hard. I also know a little more about what I’m doing, so Ellie, you have quite the freezer stash of yummy nutrients already! It’s also easier for me to go to work knowing that Grammie’s got it handled. In my heart I know you will both treasure your time with her almost as much as your time with me, much like I did with my own Gram growing up.
I took a short leave this time for many reasons, the primary of which being I didn’t have any more sick time accrued. I could use this time to go off on a long, rambling tangent about my feelings and thoughts on this, but that’s not what this letter is meant for. Instead, I’m writing to both of you as a way of cementing my memories for you to read someday. I know you won’t remember these long days and short weeks, so I hope we can all laugh a little when we read this together years from now. Not long after Easter, Grammie bought you both a copy of the book Dear Girl. Over the last few weeks, it has quickly become Clara’s favorite, and we read it together multiple times each day. The book carries such a wonderful message for you and for girls everywhere, and it inspired me to share some of my own memories along with my hopes and dreams for both of you.
To Eloise, my sweetest and littlest Ellie Bear: You are truly a miracle, the perfect way to complete our family. As I grew up, I always dreamed of having a daughter; someone to share my love of American Girl dolls who would also love to hunt for tadpoles, just as I did as a kid. I hoped for ribbons and bows, scraped knees and bare feet, chick flicks and hot cocoa, and endless heart-to-hearts, just like the ones I shared with my own mom. I never in my whole life dreamed I would be lucky enough to have a daughter, and here I find myself with two! Two girls of my very own! I love every single bit of you, from the blond peach fuzz on the tippity top of your round little head to the curves of your long, perfect little toes. I love to look deep into your big, blueberry eyes and wonder what you’re thinking. I love to watch your eyelids flicker while you sleep and wonder what you see in your dreams. I love to listen to the sweet humming sounds you make while you eat, dreaming of what your voice will sound like when you find it. I love watching you kick and punch into the air while you learn about your beautiful body and all it can do for you, picturing all the wonderful places your strong legs will take you in this life. The feeling of your fingers wrapped around my thumb simply melts my heart. I wonder, will you learn to play the piano with those beautifully long fingers? I tried and gave up, I hope you give it a little more than I did. Will you prefer to be outside, running and basking in the sunlight on playgrounds and sports fields? Will you be more of the quiet artist type or the bold leader type? Will you be a little bit of both, a little bit of everything? What will you love? Where will you find passion and purpose? I just can’t wait to find out, but I know whatever and wherever you end up, you will succeed and you will be happy. And remember, my sweet Ellie, just as we read together in Dear Girl, be thankful for the things that make you beautiful and that make you you, because I sure am! You may not have made me a first-time mama but you certainly filled my heart in ways I never thought possible. I promise to hold you in that heart of mine forever and ever and ever.
To Clara, my oldest and now apparently, my wisest: Watching you walk into the hospital room after Eloise was born was a shocking moment for me. You were all of a sudden so grown up! You have proven yourself to be such a great big sister in the past six weeks. You love to give Ellie her binkie once selecting the perfect color for her, your favorite is the pink binkie with the tree (which is actually just a leaf design, but I don’t argue.) You love to hold her hand and calmly remind her, “It’s okay Ellie, don’t cry” when she’s sad. We also cashed in on lots of quality time while Ellie slept and grew…. We have grown to know and love Toy Story and now we’re looking forward to your first Mommy/Daddy/Clara Day to see the newest installment in theaters! We played and played and played, you name it, we played it! Trains, both mechanical and princess. Play Dough. Water table. Restaurant, tea time, all the food-themed games. Dolls. Books, books, books. Mr. Potato Head, one of the stars of your new favorite feature film… All. The. Toys. But you also learned a lot too… We practiced letters, numbers, and colors and now you can count to eleven, point out letters on signs and basically name all the colors including lavender. During my time at home, you started with ABA therapy and when I say your language has skyrocketed, I’m not hyperbolizing! I knew you were making gains, but the true moment of assurance came when you opened your prize from Auntie Nicole and Uncle Ross and brought a small package to me saying, “Open the ice cream stickers please, Mommy!” Right there baby girl, that was your moment and that was my moment. It showed me that everything we’ve been going through– struggling to get to group class on time, endless phone calls to find the right ABA therapists, sleepless nights worrying how I can ensure your success– it has all been worth it. You are so bright, so kind, so determined, and so ready to take on your little world. As Dear Girl says, always remember that you have smart things to say! Listen to your brave side! And coloring outside the lines is okay too! You make me so proud to be your mama. You are the bravest, funniest, most beautiful soul I have ever known. I love you more than all the words in all the books and all the stars in the sky.
And to both of my amazing daughters, know that I hope, dream and pray for your profound happiness every single day. I hope you find happiness in yourselves and in each other. I cannot wait to watch your relationship build and grow. Sure, there will be bumps along the way, but I hope you know that you can always lean on each other just as you can always lean on me. And please always remember, just as we read in Dear Girl, you are both loved deeply and anytime you need an encouraging boost, you can always, always, always turn to me.
Love,
Mommy
